Off-topic (maybe) humor

["Fredric Gross" fredric.gross@xxxxxxxx]

 
>  
> Abbot & Costello's take on
the 21st century and computers:
> 
> ABBOT: Computer Support Group.
Can I help you?
> COSTELLO: Thanks. I'm setting up a home office in the
den, and I'm 
> thinking of buying a computer.
> ABBOT: Mac?
>
COSTELLO: No, the name is Lou.
> ABBOT: Your computer?
> COSTELLO: I
don't own a computer. I want to buy one.
> ABBOT: Mac?
> COSTELLO: I
told you, my name is Lou.
> ABBOT: What about Windows?
> COSTELLO:
Why? Does it get stuffy?ABBOT: Do you want a computer with 
>
Windows?
> COSTELLO: I don't know. What do I see when I look out the
windows?
> ABBOT: Wallpaper.
> COSTELLO: Never mind the windows. I
need a computer and software.
> ABBOT: Software that runs on
Windows?
> COSTELLO: No, on the computer! I need something I can use to
write 
> proposals, track expenses. You know, run a business. What have
you got?
> ABBOT: Office.
> COSTELLO: Yeah, for my office. Can you
recommend anything?
> ABBOT: I just did.
> COSTELLO: You just did
what?
> ABBOT: Recommended something.
> COSTELLO: You recommended
something?
> ABBOT: Yes.
> COSTELLO: For my office?
> ABBOT:
Yes.
> COSTELLO: Okay, what did you recommend for my office?
>
ABBOT: Office.
> COSTELLO: Yes, for my office.
> ABBOT: Office for
Windows.
> COSTELLO: I already have an office and it already has windows!
Let's say 
> I'm sitting at my computer, and I want to type a proposal.
What do I need?
> ABBOT: Word.
> COSTELLO: If I'm writing a
proposal, I'm going to need lots of words. 
> But what program do I
load?
> ABBOT: Word.
> COSTELLO: What word?
> ABBOT: The Word
in Office.
> COSTELLO: The only word in office is office.
> ABBOT:
The Word in Office for Windows.
> COSTELLO: Which word in "office for
windows?"
> ABBOT: The Word you get when you click the blue W.
>
COSTELLO: I'm going to click your big W if you don't give me a straight 
>
answer. Let's forget about words for a minute. What do I need if I want 
>
to watch a movie over the Internet?
> ABBOT: RealOne.
> COSTELLO :
Maybe a real movie, maybe a cartoon. What I watch is none of 
> your
business. But what do I need to watch it?
> ABBOT: RealOne.
>
COSTELLO: If it's a long movie I'll also want to watch reels two, three 
>
and four. Can I watch reel four?
> ABBOT: Of course.
> COSTELLO:
Great! With what?
> ABBOT: RealOne.
> COSTELLO: Okay, so I'm sitting
at my computer and I want to watch a 
> movie. What do I do?
>
ABBOT: You click the blue 1.
> COSTELLO: I click the blue one
what?
> ABBOT: The blue 1.
> COSTELLO: Is that different from the
blue W?
> ABBOT: Of course it is. The blue 1 is RealOne. The blue W is
Word.
> COSTELLO: What word?
> ABBOT: The Word in Office for
Windows.
> COSTELLO: But there's three words in "office for
windows!"
> ABBOT: No, just one. But it's the most popular Word in the
world.
> COSTELLO: It is?
> ABBOT: Yes, although to be fair there
aren't many other Words left. It 
> pretty much wiped out all the other
Words.
> COSTELLO: And that word is the real one?
> ABBOT: No.
RealOne has nothing to do with Word. RealOne isn't even part 
> of
Office.
> COSTELLO: Never mind; I don't want to get started with that
again. But I 
> also need something for bank accounts, loans, and so on.
What do you 
> have to help me track my money?
> ABBOT:
Money.
> COSTELLO: That's right. What do you have?
> ABBOT:
Money.
> COSTELLO: I need money to track my money?
> ABBOT: No, not
really. It comes bundled with your computer.
> COSTELLO: What comes
bundled with my computer?
> ABBOT: Money.
> COSTELLO: Money comes
bundled with my computer?
> ABBOT: Exactly. No extra charge.
>
COSTELLO: I get a bundle of money with my computer at no extra charge? 
>
How much money do I get?
> ABBOT: Just one copy.
> COSTELLO: I get a
copy of money. Isn't that illegal?
> ABBOT: No. We have a license from
Microsoft to make copies of Money.
> COSTELLO: Microsoft can license you
to make money?
> ABBOT: Why not? They own it.
> COSTELLO: Well, it's
great that I'm going to get free money, but I'll 
> still need to track
it. Do you have anything for managing your money?
> ABBOT: Managing Your
Money? That program disappeared years ago.
> COSTELLO: Well, what do you
sell in its place?
> ABBOT: Money.
> COSTELLO: You sell
money?
> ABBOT: Of course. But if you buy a computer from us, you get it
for free.
> COSTELLO: That's all very wonderful, but I'll be running a
business. Do 
> you have any software for, you know, accounting?
>
ABBOT: Simply Accounting.
> COSTELLO: Probably, but it might get a little
complicated.
> ABBOT: If you don't want Simply Accounting, you might try
M.Y.O.B.
> COSTELLO: M.Y.O.B.? What does that stand for?
> ABBOT:
Mind Your Own Business.
> COSTELLO: I beg your pardon?
> ABBOT: No,
that would be I.B.Y.P. I said M.Y.O.B.
> COSTELLO: Look, I just need to do
some accounting for my home business. 
> You know -accounting? You do it
with money.
> ABBOT: Of course you can do accounting with Money. But you
may need more.
> COSTELLO: More money?
> ABBOT: More than Money.
Money can't do everything.
> OSTELLO: I don' t need a sermon! Okay, let's
forget about money for the 
> moment. I'm worried that my computer
might...what's the word? Crash. And 
> if my computer crashes what can I
use to restore my data?
> ABBOT: GoBack.
> COSTELLO: Okay. I'm
worried about my computer smashing and I need 
> something to restore my
data. What do you recommend?
> ABBOT: GoBack.
> COSTELLO: How many
times do I have to repeat myself?
> ABBOT: I've never asked you to repeat
yourself. All I said was GoBack.
> COSTELLO: How can I go back i f I
haven't even been anywhere? Okay, I'll 
> go back. What do I need to write
a proposal?
> ABBOT: Word.
> COSTELLO: But I'll need lots of words
to write a proposal.
> ABBOT: No, you only need one Word - the Word in
Office for Windows.
> COSTELLO: But there's three words in... Oh, never
mind.
> ABBOT: Hello? Hello? Customers! Why do they always hang up on me?
Oh, 
> well. Computer Support Group. Can I help
you?