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Off-topic (maybe) humor



 
>  
> Abbot & Costello's take on the 21st century and computers:
>
> ABBOT: Computer Support Group. Can I help you?
> COSTELLO: Thanks. I'm setting up a home office in the den, and I'm
> thinking of buying a computer.
> ABBOT: Mac?
> COSTELLO: No, the name is Lou.
> ABBOT: Your computer?
> COSTELLO: I don't own a computer. I want to buy one.
> ABBOT: Mac?
> COSTELLO: I told you, my name is Lou.
> ABBOT: What about Windows?
> COSTELLO: Why? Does it get stuffy?ABBOT: Do you want a computer with
> Windows?
> COSTELLO: I don't know. What do I see when I look out the windows?
> ABBOT: Wallpaper.
> COSTELLO: Never mind the windows. I need a computer and software.
> ABBOT: Software that runs on Windows?
> COSTELLO: No, on the computer! I need something I can use to write
> proposals, track expenses. You know, run a business. What have you got?
> ABBOT: Office.
> COSTELLO: Yeah, for my office. Can you recommend anything?
> ABBOT: I just did.
> COSTELLO: You just did what?
> ABBOT: Recommended something.
> COSTELLO: You recommended something?
> ABBOT: Yes.
> COSTELLO: For my office?
> ABBOT: Yes.
> COSTELLO: Okay, what did you recommend for my office?
> ABBOT: Office.
> COSTELLO: Yes, for my office.
> ABBOT: Office for Windows.
> COSTELLO: I already have an office and it already has windows! Let's say
> I'm sitting at my computer, and I want to type a proposal. What do I need?
> ABBOT: Word.
> COSTELLO: If I'm writing a proposal, I'm going to need lots of words.
> But what program do I load?
> ABBOT: Word.
> COSTELLO: What word?
> ABBOT: The Word in Office.
> COSTELLO: The only word in office is office.
> ABBOT: The Word in Office for Windows.
> COSTELLO: Which word in "office for windows?"
> ABBOT: The Word you get when you click the blue W.
> COSTELLO: I'm going to click your big W if you don't give me a straight
> answer. Let's forget about words for a minute. What do I need if I want
> to watch a movie over the Internet?
> ABBOT: RealOne.
> COSTELLO : Maybe a real movie, maybe a cartoon. What I watch is none of
> your business. But what do I need to watch it?
> ABBOT: RealOne.
> COSTELLO: If it's a long movie I'll also want to watch reels two, three
> and four. Can I watch reel four?
> ABBOT: Of course.
> COSTELLO: Great! With what?
> ABBOT: RealOne.
> COSTELLO: Okay, so I'm sitting at my computer and I want to watch a
> movie. What do I do?
> ABBOT: You click the blue 1.
> COSTELLO: I click the blue one what?
> ABBOT: The blue 1.
> COSTELLO: Is that different from the blue W?
> ABBOT: Of course it is. The blue 1 is RealOne. The blue W is Word.
> COSTELLO: What word?
> ABBOT: The Word in Office for Windows.
> COSTELLO: But there's three words in "office for windows!"
> ABBOT: No, just one. But it's the most popular Word in the world.
> COSTELLO: It is?
> ABBOT: Yes, although to be fair there aren't many other Words left. It
> pretty much wiped out all the other Words.
> COSTELLO: And that word is the real one?
> ABBOT: No. RealOne has nothing to do with Word. RealOne isn't even part
> of Office.
> COSTELLO: Never mind; I don't want to get started with that again. But I
> also need something for bank accounts, loans, and so on. What do you
> have to help me track my money?
> ABBOT: Money.
> COSTELLO: That's right. What do you have?
> ABBOT: Money.
> COSTELLO: I need money to track my money?
> ABBOT: No, not really. It comes bundled with your computer.
> COSTELLO: What comes bundled with my computer?
> ABBOT: Money.
> COSTELLO: Money comes bundled with my computer?
> ABBOT: Exactly. No extra charge.
> COSTELLO: I get a bundle of money with my computer at no extra charge?
> How much money do I get?
> ABBOT: Just one copy.
> COSTELLO: I get a copy of money. Isn't that illegal?
> ABBOT: No. We have a license from Microsoft to make copies of Money.
> COSTELLO: Microsoft can license you to make money?
> ABBOT: Why not? They own it.
> COSTELLO: Well, it's great that I'm going to get free money, but I'll
> still need to track it. Do you have anything for managing your money?
> ABBOT: Managing Your Money? That program disappeared years ago.
> COSTELLO: Well, what do you sell in its place?
> ABBOT: Money.
> COSTELLO: You sell money?
> ABBOT: Of course. But if you buy a computer from us, you get it for free.
> COSTELLO: That's all very wonderful, but I'll be running a business. Do
> you have any software for, you know, accounting?
> ABBOT: Simply Accounting.
> COSTELLO: Probably, but it might get a little complicated.
> ABBOT: If you don't want Simply Accounting, you might try M.Y.O.B.
> COSTELLO: M.Y.O.B.? What does that stand for?
> ABBOT: Mind Your Own Business.
> COSTELLO: I beg your pardon?
> ABBOT: No, that would be I.B.Y.P. I said M.Y.O.B.
> COSTELLO: Look, I just need to do some accounting for my home business.
> You know -accounting? You do it with money.
> ABBOT: Of course you can do accounting with Money. But you may need more.
> COSTELLO: More money?
> ABBOT: More than Money. Money can't do everything.
> OSTELLO: I don' t need a sermon! Okay, let's forget about money for the
> moment. I'm worried that my computer might...what's the word? Crash. And
> if my computer crashes what can I use to restore my data?
> ABBOT: GoBack.
> COSTELLO: Okay. I'm worried about my computer smashing and I need
> something to restore my data. What do you recommend?
> ABBOT: GoBack.
> COSTELLO: How many times do I have to repeat myself?
> ABBOT: I've never asked you to repeat yourself. All I said was GoBack.
> COSTELLO: How can I go back i f I haven't even been anywhere? Okay, I'll
> go back. What do I need to write a proposal?
> ABBOT: Word.
> COSTELLO: But I'll need lots of words to write a proposal.
> ABBOT: No, you only need one Word - the Word in Office for Windows.
> COSTELLO: But there's three words in... Oh, never mind.
> ABBOT: Hello? Hello? Customers! Why do they always hang up on me? Oh,
> well. Computer Support Group. Can I help you?